How I Attracted the Relationship(s)of My Dreams:

With These Five Kind Of Simple Steps

I am a servant leader in pretty much every aspect of my life. I love to give, I aim to serve, I am a people pleaser, I am a nurturer, and I certainly don’t like to let anyone down. While these traits aren't the worst thing, it helped me identify my anxious attachment style in relationships and it helped me fix them.

In the past, I found myself unwilling to be 100% honest about my emotions, my hardships, or even open up about my bad day in fear that my complaining would drive my partner to leave me and pursue someone more positive (we’re all human btw). I found myself in co-dependent relationships, seeking approval in others, relying on others to provide my joy, and constantly lonely regardless of living with others. I allowed people to give me breadcrumbs to keep me around and was always left wanting more. I was always focusing on what I didn’t want and not what I wanted, therefore leaving myself in an unsatisfied whirlwind of victimhood and self-doubt. How fun.

So…how did I end that toxic cycle of codependency and anxious attachment? I will tell you.
(Disclaimer: I am still a work in progress)

1. I ended the relationships that were causing me more pain than joy. I was so tired of dating someone who felt like my roommate, having maintenance sex, and doing the bare minimum for each other because we were both too broke and too comfortable to be alone. I knew there was more to life than what I was experiencing and while he was a good guy, I knew in my gut he surely was not the one. If your heart is telling you there is more to life out there, please listen and leave.

• Since I couldn't end the toxic relationship I had with myself and kick myself out, I decided to fix it. I chose to stop telling myself and others the stories that I had grown so attached to. The negative stories about love, abandonment, betrayal, infidelity, and pretty much anything that made me sound like a victim. I owned my past, looked my trauma in the face (with lots of therapy), identified my triggers, and dealt with it in hopes that I wouldn't carry it with me to my next relationship.
• I also fixed my relationship with myself by learning to like (love) myself. After ending a 2-year relationship that made me sad and stressed all of the time, I wanted to take back my power and take control of the sadness and stress, and weight gain. I started to work out, read self-improvement books, meditate, take yoga classes, journal, and go for long walks outside. In return for these “healthy” habits, my body shed approximately 30 pounds, I was sleeping well, and felt a lot less stressed about the small stuff. I also began to love and take pride in what I saw in the mirror- which is a wild experience for me. Disclaimer: the 30 pounds came off in about a year, slow and steady does win this race.
• The relationships you choose to end don’t have to be romantic or with yourself, they just have to be the relationships in your life that are no longer serving you. You know the ones.

2. I established boundaries. Period.

• I no longer allowed people to disrupt my peace. Not even mom.
• I tried my best to not engage in negative self talk about myself or others.
• I didn’t answer calls I knew would upset me for no reason or kill my vibe. Again, protecting the peace bubble.
• I stopped engaging in content that embedded itself deep in my subconscious leading to sleepless nights, anxiety, and worry. For example, horror movies, movies about cheaters/infidelity, too much true crime, social media that made me hate body and non-influential life, gossip magazines, or anything that gave me the ick.
• I ended my people-pleasing antics. Repeat after me — you can't pour from an empty up and if you live like this you’re only going to attract leeches. Relationships are a two-way street no matter how much people tell you that they don’t need or want anything in return, they DO! We’re all human and we thrive on give and take relationships.
• I stopped giving people too many chances. Cue, Irreplaceable by Beyonce.

3. Deal Breakers are your second set of Boundaries. Establish deal-breakers and stick to them. Do not settle.

• Yes, everyone on earth will tell you that relationships are all about compromise. However, deal-breakers will appear like giant red flags attached to a bull that you missed during the honeymoon phase.

4. Now that you’re a self-loving badass with boundaries, we can get to the good stuff! Start thinking about what you DO want! Thinking about what you don’t want, only attracts more of what you don’t want into your experience. Pay attention to what you want in this life and follow the good feeling thoughts.

• For example, once I established a healthy relationship with myself, I knew I wanted to attract a very healthy relationship with my next partner. Some of the things I focused on wanting were….

- Someone who is awesome at communication. I love to talk, I love deep conversation, I love to ask questions, and I love to work out differences verbally. It is important for me to have a partner who is patient with these needs, who is communicative and makes me feel safe to speak up if I disagree with something. I no longer fear rejection just because I have an opinion.

-Someone I could/can be fully myself with and fully present with. We all have bad days and we should all feel safe to reach out without fear of being a burden or fear of someone walking out on us just because we have an awful day or even a sad season. I want to feel a sense of calm with my partner and to be free of worry, abandonment, or rejection.

-Being fully myself also means feeling comfortable in my skin, having my own interests, and often putting my needs first. Knowing your own worth helps others see it in you as well. You are worthy of being fully you.

-Someone I am wildly attracted to. Yes, I know looks fade but I want to have that attraction that makes me want to jump their bones on a daily basis. Some of my friends thought they had a broken sex drive until they met the right partner. It’s a thing. Also, attraction goes way beyond looks and I knew I wanted more than what I had experienced before. No more maintenance sex. Life is too short for that.

-Some who wants a family. I am in my 30’s and I am not afraid to have this conversation anymore. I want to be a mom one day and I really don’t have time to waste on a partner that doesn’t share that same interest.

-Someone who I don’t want or need to change. It never feels good to be the nagging girlfriend or partner. It’s important for me to date my equal or someone that makes me want to be better and do better. When you are dating someone you’re constantly trying to change, you come to realize that you’re judging way more than you are loving. Date someone who inspires you to be better in every aspect of your life. Grow together.

Someone who is fun. If you aren’t having fun, it’s not going to last. I made it my number one priority to have fun in all of my relationships, not just romantic ones. I want to laugh until I cry with my friends, family members, and lovers. I want to laugh at myself. I want to make others laugh. I want to go on impromptu road trips at any age, I want to dance in the kitchen, I want to kiss, and hug, and share stories and make wild memories that I take to my grave. I am not ashamed of romanticizing my life and making having fun a priority, because what else is there? We all want to be happy and we all want to love.

5. Finally! Put your wishes, dreams, hopes, and intentions out there into the universe, and then let it all go. When you release attachment to the outcome, the possibilities are limitless. Your soulmate is on their way to you now, trust me. This works!